Roo thankfully recognized the next hill.
Yup.
That hill, like the tallest mountain of a frown always plastered on the ancient face of Bishop Halgert.
You’d think it was a natural Light-blessed monument to the guy, complete with pothole recesses and stone wart bumps, but no one in their right mind make a monument to that scarecrow wannabe and encourage him to go more eccentric than he already was.
Eccentric as in keeping a crow’s nest in his hair. Complete with crows.
(Why … let’s not go there.)
But … long story super short, years ago Roo himself ended up with a hairdo that was basically a crow’s nest, complete with crow named Raz.
A talking crow.
Never mind Raz also had the bluest of long jackets, plus a blue minstrel hat with tiny dove feather. Sure, he claimed it’s was the rarest of the rare, a white crow feather but … okay, not going there.
Well, actually, right now, he’s a snoozing crow. On Roo’s head.
And Roo’s hair was utterly black. As black as Raz. No.
Blacker.
But so what?
Sure, the chapel was on top of that hill, twin oak doors wide open for the usual safety of sacred ground against darkspawn, and sure, despite whatever Bishop Halgert insisted, the chapel looked so much like a pair of stone breasts with pointy spear nipples that it always put a naughty smirk on Roo’s face.
Especially today.
With Peaches on one side and Ruby on the other. Least Peaches fixed up her outfit so that her elf ears were hidden again and she could pass as the most drop dead gorgeous blonde girl any human dared lay eyes on.
But Ruby, not so much.
Her skin was a beautiful bright red, naturally very incredibly red, and even with a cowl, she had huuuuge (but kinda adorable) pig ears and long with a button of a piglet nose … so chance of hiding the fact she was a drop dead gorgeous orcubus.
Her black leather miniskirt and bra top left little to the imagination, and honestly, he couldn’t bring himself to request her to dress more modestly since she was clearly too eager to mess with me and do the opposite.
The fact she even trimmed her long lush black hair so that it hung over her right shoulder, and more than enough to cover some of her buxom chest, yup, definitely a step in the right direction so better not risk backtracking by request more coverage.
At least her top had snazzy puffed shoulders, and her cold iron arm guards had the same perks as his own. An extendable shield from one and a little bow strung with magic on the other.
Because her wicked foldable bow and quiver of cold iron arrows. A quiver that held more arrows than it looked.
Way more.
But unlike Peaches, Ruby went with regular black thigh boots, with very shallow heels.
Very shallow.
No need to enhance that fine ass of hers.
Okay. Good.
Now to convince Bishop Halgert to marry Roo to Peaches and—
“What in Good Lightful Heaven are you doing, Rowan Dulca Vorshaya?” Bishop Halgert said, and coming up from behind them, of course, “There’s demon spawn in the city and …”
They all turned around.
Roo side-hugged his demon girls.
“I’m distracting these first two,” he said.
Bishop Hagert snorted. “I can see that, but I contest who is being distracted.”
Ruby flicked her hair? “Do you do harem marriages?” she said.
That got an angry sputter out of the bishop.
“No!” he said, “Since you’re going to live in sin, there’s no need to get it blessed, and no, I am not welcoming any demon spawn onto sacred grounds. Most of the town has evacuated onto them, except for a certain lot that happened to be gambling on sinful behavior. Now good day. Try not to die too horribly by their hands but—”
“Waitwaitwait,” Roo said, “Ruby was joking, right Ruby? She’s my familiar, you see, not a, well, and—”
Ruby heaved her chest out. “I dress exactly like he asked me, right Master?”
With that sultry pity smile and how she even slung an arm snug around his waist. Side-hugged him so smooch sultry with a light orgasmic sigh …
“I’m surprised he hasn’t bedded me yet,” she said, “But now I know why, so please, Mr Priest, make our future orclings legit.”
Peaches … was just staying silent, but raging.
Arms over her chest raging. They’d so be frenemies if they hadn’t been enemies on opposite side of a war, and now, okay, Roo needed to—
Bishop Hagert shook his head.
“Choose one,” he said, “And I hate to say this, but I recommend the lady that wants you more, which is clearly this … orcupus.”
“Ooo,” Ruby said, “Orcupussy. I liiike that.”
Then Ruby purred so sultry that … oh dear …
Bishop Hagert and his perpetual frown got even more frowny.
Peaches was so going to kill Ruby. Again. Roo just knew it. Thank, well, familiar got to revive as much as they could, as long as their mind was intact when they died and their master was alive as well.
But still … time to prevent another death match.
Roo slipped his hands around both girls’ waists. Gave them the warm side-hug they both (probably) wanted.
“To keep the peace,” he said, “Just a few words. Please? They do say marriage is its own hell, and you’ve always said I’m going to hell so …”
Bishop tsked. “That is not what I meant, but … I am half a mind to, yes, married to demon spawn harlots is better than the alternative.”
Peaches tsked this time. “Alternative?”
The glare the bishop gave her … sigh, Roo really hoped Peaches kept her mouth shut here. She knew how the bishop was. His obsessions were just part of church life, but despite his harsh words he never acted out on them physically. Unlike other church whatevers elsewhere that, had Roo not been such a … reliable exorcist knight well. Let’s not think about it. For now. Like his second old man would say, live and let live or else—
Bishop huffed very loudly.
“Yes,” he said, “Alternative.”
The second word he said with such scorn … please, Peaches, take the victory of a legit marriage. It’s the best they’d get, and an actual real ceremony can be held later, like say, after the darkspawn stampede she led this way was dealt with.
“Fine,” Peaches said, “I’m—”
“Amber Juliet Peaches,” Bishop Hagert said, “and …”
“Ruby Grinfanger,” Ruby said, smirking far too content with herself, but Roo wasn’t complaining. He just … okay. Had she not ambushed him with the idea at the right moment, he might of objected but sigh, better a girl with brains and the will to use them then a bimbo brained one.
“You both take Rowan Dulca Vorshaya,” Bishop Hagert said, “As your duly wedded husband and versa versa. That’s all you’re going to get. Now the three of you are married. Get out of here, and deal with that horde of darkspawn coming this way. If anyone is hurt because of what you did, Amber, I see to it personally you are burned at the stake properly, so you do not revive. This is really too much. Even for you.”
Roo gasped. “What? Since when did you threaten to burn anyone, Bishop? That’s not you. Not at all.”
“I’ve burned demon spawn before your time Rowan,” Bishop Hagert said, “And I suggest you familiar Amber properly now, before you run into your companions, or else they may take the matter out of our hands, as is their right to do so.”
“That’s …” Roo said.
Peaches nodded. “Alright. Roo. Familiar me.”
“But—” Roo said, but she kissed him long and smoochy.
“No butts except yours familiaring mine,” she said, “Really. Bishop Hagert is right. I got … carried away and … please. This is the only way to fix it. I can fight without worry then. Familiars get more than just lots of lives. They get power boosts and … perks. Don’t familiar. I’ll be a familiar with benefits since you at least tried to humor me with a marriage of sorts but—”
Roo kissed Peaches back.
“Okay,” he said and fished out another golden as the light tricross dagger thing he kept just for this kind of occasion.
One of seven originally. Five left, after this.
“Geez, that was quick,” Peaches said, “Not that I’m complaining. I just thought you’d … hesitate more. I won’t be the same Peaches after this.”
“But you’ll still be alive,” he said, “And artificial feelings won’t erase your real feelings if they’re both similar, right?”
“Well …” Peaches said, and gulp, “Yeah. But … I’m a girl, and this artificial feelings thing is … kinda scary.”
“If you don’t want to do this,” Roo said, “You don’t have to. We’ll figure something else out. Really.”
Ruby chuckled. “Let we did, master?”
Roo knew better than to acknowledge that poke. She made the offer and he took it.
Peaches sighed. “There’s no something else. I messed up. Big time. Time to pry the dryad.”
She heaved her chest out at him, and, okay, don’t stare but … she tsked. Took his hand. Drive the dagger end into her own heart.
Her whimper.
“Sorry,” Roo said, “I—”
The tricross glowed golden. Sunk into her chest.
Into her heart.
Her eyes glowed for a moment and then …
“Oh. my. Goddess,” she said, “It’s … really … wow. Just … wow.”
Peaches gulped. “I … I understand why Ruby … okay okay. Focus. But once this stampede is over, we are soooo consummating our marriage.”
Ruby chuckled. “Ah, never thought I’d be so happy to have you as a sister wife. Together I’m sure we can train him.”
Bishop Hagert scowled at Ruby, but that seemed to satisfy her way too much, but he still shoved two pairs of wedding rings right into Roo’s hands. The rings were bound together and meant to be snapped apart at the conclusion of the ceremony but … sigh.
Roo nodded. He slipped on the rings. One for each hand.
“Ruby,” Roo said, “I didn’t think—”
“Of course you didn’t,” Ruby said, “Just because these feelings are artificial, doesn’t mean I don’t want to embrace them. I’m so happy … I’ve never been so happy, and without my clan … and too many orcs were scared of me so …”
She even pecked his lips? Snapped the ring pair, her hand now had a bronze ring.
“Now kiss your other bride,” Ruby said, “And don’t forget the ring.”
Roo … nodded and …
Peaches pecked his lips. Snapping off the ring.
“See?” Peaches said, “I tried to warn you but …”
And she had. In her own way.
Roo really had a lot to learn.